Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Mom said you looked used
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
