In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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