seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
