If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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