Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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