i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
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