why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
im on a boat
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