That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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