My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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