Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
