I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Another day, another engagement, another cat
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
