There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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