Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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