i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
