i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
