Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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