o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You are a genius and a whore.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
