at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
