Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
