dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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