Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
