toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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