I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
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