Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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