Ambien. No doubt about it.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
