seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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