I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
