so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Randomize
