Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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