nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
