Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
