Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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