drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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