I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Randomize
