You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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