Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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