Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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