You're my little dorito
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
