I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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