I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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