Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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