So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
