I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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