Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
