Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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