Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
