he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
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