I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
