My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
