when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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