It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
