Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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